Addicted to drama

I have noticed consciously that human beings is addicted to pain, drama, suffering and whatever thing that makes him feel bad.  I clearly understand that those things that are harder to get usually are more important to us, but let’s not exaggerate this matter believing that those romantic novels are like life in essence and that without suffering nothing is worthy.

I have heard things like

If love does not hurt, it isn’t love at all

That’s just absurd! How that? If it doesn’t hurt then it isn’t love?  Then what you’re saying is that we have to live suffering to be happy?  Who can support that kind of idiocy!?  If the meaning of life was the suffering we wouldn’t have a single reason to smile or laugh.  But in reality, if you ask people what is what they want for their lives, most of them will answer – after some turns and detours – that they want to be happy.  Yes, HAPPY!  Even if they don’t have a clue of what happiness is.

For some reason, in terms of a love relationship, the common sense tells most of people that every couple should argue and fight from time to time – fight as in a bad temper discussion, not physical violence –, they should have some kind of incompatibility that generates rough moments ore they won’t be entirely happy and will be a dysfunctional couple.  But that’s not all, they even try to convince you that if you love someone, you will sacrifice anything for that person. And this is where I ask: Excuse me, what the f**k are you talking about? For me, that’s the hugest of mistakes.  Love will never be about sacrifices because love should be a win-for-all situation every single time.

If you widen a little your scope and look at friendship, you love your friends, but no one is ever hoping that you give up everything for a friend.  You can make exceptional deeds, you can overpass your own abilities, but you wouldn’t make a sacrifice for your friend, specially because a real friend would never ask you to do so.  When you are there to help and support your friends you’re not sacrificing time, you’re investing time or at least that’s how it should feel…  I feel it that way.  You feel an urge to go and help and you just go and do it.

Getting back at the partner-love, it seems that both parts in that relationship are used to the idea of sacrificing parts of their lives on behalf of the couple, which is – from my very particular point of view – a huge and absolute mistake.  We shouldn’t even think about inducing our partner into any sacrifice, either persons, attitudes nor habits.  The best way is to share such things with our loved one.  If we don’t like it, then let’s step aside for a while, give her some free space and let her do it alone; after all, we’re individuals, isolated entities that look for happiness together.

In our lives, suffering is generated by ourselves and not really by the way others act.  The mourning time we will pass is entirely in our hands when we face a situation that, by force will cause us some kind of pain.  To be in a relationship where we don’t feel alright transforms our lives from a conscious effort into a sacrifice.

And I’m sure I’ll hear reasons like: I started this relationship think of it as a lifetime one.  And I certainly share that vision.  Love makes you dream, makes you walk in the clouds and shows you the best and most beautiful part of the world.  But when all of it starts to be exchanged by constant situations that enforce bad temper, anything but well-being or the gears are not fitting anymore, it’s time to make a good revision, try to repair the damage or – if it’s beyond repair – let every one take their own route and finds someone special to fit and be happy.

My first choice is negotiate, of course.  Try to solve the problems.  But if it doesn’t work---  Well, is time to open wings and fly!

It makes no sense at all to be hooked in a relationship where our partner is not such thing, but a dead weight or where even we limit the other and don’t let her reach her own greatness.  You should NEVER SUFFER in the name of love.  You must LOVE in the name of love, and be happy just because it happens.

Drama was invented to show us that the world could be worst than it is, not to make the world worst.  Don’t get yourselves trapped in a dramatic novel and be the always-suffering-drama-wrapped starring character, there’s no need of such thing.  You don’t have to be hit by a car driven by the love of your life, nor be poor with a rich father that you don’t know, you don’t have to be en jail accused of something you didn’t do to find happiness.  Just aim for your happiness and follow that route along your life.  That’s more than enough to avoid becoming eternal dramatic-sufferers.

Words of Wisdom:

If that love makes you suffer,
you shouldn’t be losing your time.

Anonymous (until some yells the contrary)

¿Love or Habit?

Once more I take some meanwhiles to comment with you, my beloved readers, some of my thoughts, insights and answers to questions that don’t make sense at all for everyone.

I suppose – even when I have a strict position about making no suppositions at all – that we all have been involved in a love relationship.  As the social nature of the human being dictates, if we don’t have that special someone, it seems that we’re looking for that person to share our time – in a implicit or explicit way –.  Of course some times we just need good friends, and that’s because we are not either physically or emotionally ready for something more engaging than a friendship.

Once we’re in the middle of the storm, in the eye of the twister that is a relationship, everything seems to be ok at the beginning, everything is kind of pink and those details in the target of our love matter very little or just they don’t really matter at all.

If everything goes well, after a couple years something happens and we start to question the purity and even the truth of our love.  When the intoxicating effect of the first love crush goes away we start to fall for the routine, the fact that we can see each other during the evenings after work and even to the fact of not having enough time to do what we used to do.

Eventually, we hit the point where we ask ourselves: do I really love her or I’m just too used to be with her? Am I afraid to be alone? AM I afraid of the change that means walking out of this relationship?

I think that love doesn’t disappear, it just evolves. Nevertheless we should always pay attention to certain details.  We’re not all the same and we can’t expect that any other person express her feelings as we would because we would be asking her to become a part of us and lose all individuality.  If we got some doubts, we should ask ourselves what’s good and what’s bad about the person we’re with, make a balance and see if it is positive.  Doing such a thing every so often and keeping that balance in mind will let us know if changes have occurred for the best or the worst and can give us a satellite point of view of our relationship.

As is, love got 2 well-defined phases:

1. The falling in love: chemistry, hormones, magnetism.  That crazy need of having just a few minutes to be with our other half, making a bound, cuddle and kiss her, cherish her, satisfy her needs.  In this stage there’s nothing to comprehend, we just get dragged by sensations.
2. The spiritual bound: once the first stage is over, just when the first crisis take place, there’s a spiritual bound , a fraternal joint based on friendship stronger and deeper than the usual friendship.  This new union is also called love.  During this stage understanding, comprehension and love itself are all important to keep alive the relationship.

Once into the second phase of love we start to question it, we got routine stalking upon us, responsibilities that take our time and we finally end up accepting a series of activities that to a certain extent direct our lives. If we then think that’s the cause of what we call only habit then we must ask ourselves if we did really loved deeply at any given point.  After several years, your partner in love must be a lot more than that, (s)he must be your best friend.  If through time we work our hearts and relations around true friendship, honest and limitless, success is granted and the answer to the question that is the title of this post is more than obvious… It is LOVE.

Are there any keys to avoid boredom?

 

• Improvisation: no matter who, no matter when, do something different.  Go out or lock yourselves in.  Play with water balloons or use the garden hose. No garden? No problem! Throw water in the bathroom!
• Talk: one of the most difficult points and the one where I have failed a couple times.  Dialog is a powerful tool, it allows us to solve matters quickly reaching pacts through negotiation.  Do not wait until the last possible moment.  Do not let your partner speak alone.  And do not bring the matter back after it has been solved.
• Drop it and give it a fresh start: is very hard to keep going if we have a bag full of resentment and past problems in our back.  We must drop everything that has been talked about and solved in order to go on lighter and be able to fly hands.

This is what I have been able to get from life lessons, not always in the best of the ways, I must add.  But I sincerely hope these lines can reach you and help you all avoid some pains that I have had to go through to finally have these thoughts…  and some other.

Words of wisdom

To love is not only to feel love,
it’s above all thing to understand each other

Françoise Sagan

As for me, life’s a game… Isn’t it?

A few weeks ago, a good friend of mine commented that she had found some good writings that she wanted to share with me because she found some of my own words within those lines.  Thanks for that, Vane Cobis.

We had eye contact a couple years ago.  But just a few months of sharing ideas and good talks, maybe two or three months only.  We speak of things deeper than the weather, the beers we should drink or the usual foolish stuff spoke in social meetings.  It’s incredible how, in just a short time you can feel very comfortable talking with someone, trusting and recognizing the trust the other one has in you by the topics shared and the way they’re shared.

After Googling (said action of looking for something in Google) I was able to find that one of the posts that Vane shared with me was written/said by Dr. Camilo Cruz, who uses a game metaphor (in sports terms) to compare a game with life.  What he says goes like this:

Now, if life is a game---  This are the rules:

1. Today is not a training day.  Today is the championship final game.  We have to live each and every day fully, not like if it was a warm up practice, one more training or a meaningless game.  This very day, this 24 hours ahead of you are the very final game of the whole championship and you have to play it giving 100% of you.  And when you go to sleep, you have to be decided to wake up the next morning and do exactly the same.
2. In the game of life there are no observers, everyone is a player.  You just can’t watch the game of life from the stands, the only way to experiment it is jumping into the playground.  Is just not enough to participate, you have to be totally committed.  And there’s a huge difference between participation and commitment.
3. In the game of life there are no mistakes, only lessons to learn.  Every fall, failure and obstacles bring a lesson attached and these lessons will be in front on you from time to time until you decide to learn.
4. The analysis excess produces paralysis.  Action is the key.  Successful people learn how to play by playing.  To begin is more than half the way.

I think this metaphor is simple, fair and direct to the point.  Enjoy your day and give out the best you have every time you do something.

Words of Wisdom:

Life is like drawing without an eraser

Do not press the pencil too much!

Taken (in Spanish) from http://escapespot.blogspot.com/

 

• NOTE: International Day of the Women

As an extra, I’d like to congratulate every woman, specially those wonderful ladies that have been around me during my life and have been part of the facts, moments and experiences that guided me to be who I am now.  My mom, always paying attention and worried about me.  My sisters who I am getting to know better now after a lot of time separated.  My two beautiful Rs, they taught me about a family.  All of the other women of my family and friends, those who have heard me when I needed someone to listen and those who have told me their secrets.  Congratulations to you all, and may the world be a better place for you everyday.  May happiness fill your lives and that respect be always present alongside with love from and for you.

Finally, for those very special women that are no more with me.  Aunt Marta, Aunt Fiorella, Aitita (Gorka’s grandma), Granma Flor, Grandaunt Estela, Granma Ana and some others.  I know that God got your hands and leads you through light and love.  Enjoy viewing downwards and realizing how much we remember you all and the depths of your footprints in our lives.

(In Spanish, this article was published the International Day of Women)

Children… Just wonderful!

Just a few days ago, my best friends went to my place because two of them wanted to change the MP3 Player on their car and as I’m demi-jack-of-all-trades they asked me to do it…  Well, actually I volunteered to do it so they didn’t have to pay for that - relatively easy - job.

The thing is that, my nephew – son of two of them, just as the car – was in the visiting party and well, as a normal 4-years-old kid that elevates his head only some inches above the floor, he sometimes get a little jumpy and bad tempered.

At some point he wanted to do something and received a negative for answer.  So, the kid went to an exterior window and stayed under the frame and below a protective fence that it has.  When I walked over there to pick him up and hold him in my arms, he got hurt by the fence.  My bad.

He started to cry, I guess it was part because of the pain and part because of the negative to do what he wanted to do.  The point is that I tried to comfort him and make him feel better, but as there’s no better thing than our parents to comfort us when something like this happens, I walked back to the car to continue the task I was performing.

Sooner than later, between hugs and tickles in the arms of her mom, his father told the boy that he wanted a kiss or he was going to eat him.  As it was supposed to happen, the kid started hiding between the arms of his mom.  But suddenly he got down and started running across the garden yelling: mom! save me! he’s going to eat me!

That picture made me feel a lot better, it meant that the pain was gone and the we had entered the playgrounds once more.  You know, is just that feeling that let’s you know that everything’s going to be alright.  Is that thing that only children can do within all of their innocence.

A little time later, just minutes, hearing the playful sounds of father and son running and having a good time together chasing and hiding behind mom (even if she thinks she’s not playing), everything was in the background as my concentration was focused in the car’s middle dashboard.  Suddenly, a yell brought me back to the place and attracted my full attention to the boy.  Unca! Unca! Help me!

When I heard that---  Well, something was really shaken inside me.  I truly love that ‘dwarf’, but just knowing that even in a game he looked for me asking for help and protection was just marvelous.  Is not just to feel loved by the little guy.  Is more than that, in his need there’s no malice, no second intentions, no hidden interests---  There’s only the fact that he called someone that he believes will protect him from any harm that may come in his way and well…  Yes, I will always try to help and protect him.  Certainly, after that a whole lot of points of view opened for me.

Words of Wisdom:

Every adult needs a kid to teach to,
that’s the way that grown ups learn

Unknown (until someone says otherwise)

Problems… A matter of points of view

Over here one more time, my dear writing, thinking and reading companions. This time we gather to talk about something that seems to be always present in our lives, but that most of the time are incredibly simple if we find the bright side of the matter.

Some times we can feel stalked, overwhelmed and even cornered by problems.  It seems in some cases that there’s no way out of some situations when the reality is that what we think is a problem is just the exit from a course of action that could have led us to disaster.

Let’s see it this way.  One day we meet someone.  We date.  We share time and end trusting that person.  We let this individual get into our lives and hearts.  All of a sudden, something happens, whatever the reasons and this person disappears emotionally (and physically in most cases); we start to feel sad.  We’re down. We’re feel sick.  We even get depressed.  And why all of this?  Because we’re not seeing the whole paint.  We’re focused in the middle oh our own space and we ignore what is around us.  Is like trying to drink a glass of water from the bottom.  That way we will never find the top and the place to drink from.

In other occasions we’re walking towards a goal and out of nowhere obstacles start popping out in our way, delaying and even stalling us, changing our planned ETA (estimated time of arrival).  But later, tends to happen that looking back and analyzing those facts, we realize that the obligated wait time led us to met people that today is very important in our lives and that we would have never crossed if those obstacle haven’t had delayed us.

In general terms, it’s true that we will never get in front of an obstacle without the tools to walk over it (no matter is we have them or have to learn something new).  So, when we’re facing a problem, obstacle or whatever you may call it, don’t desperate and don’t hesitate, do not let frustration put you down and make you feel you can’t do it.  All we have to do is discover the best way to get over it, some times you’ll have to flank it, some times you’ll have to jump it, maybe push it, break it, put it aside, step over it, lift it, dissolve or disintegrate it.    Who knows what more?

The main point is that if we look into the situation and try to find a lot of points of view (POV), our chances to solve the problem ahead of us are better.

Points of view is all we need in order to know what to do.  In most cases.  Let’s see in every direction and from every direction, then and just then, let’s select our path. It should be the better one.

Words of Wisdom:

¿What is a cultivated spirit? One that can see things from many different points of view

Henry F. Amiel

The right moment

Some times I find myself thinking in some what if that were left behind in my past.  Yes, some times I ask myself what if I would have taken another path--- and I certainly find some interesting possibilities.  Nowadays, I have the intention of taking advantage of whatever opportunity I may find in my way.

So, at those moments, we use detours and excuses like this is not the time, I’m not so sure about it, is too much to risk---  This is just ourselves paying too much attention to fear.  And fear, when is heard over our own wishes, makes us fearful and restrained beings.

The fact that you got vital signs does not mean that you are living.  To live is a lot more than breath and see days go by.  From my point of view, life is all about dreaming, and walking the path that leads to fulfilling those dreams---  Always trying to enjoy the path, of course.

If you knew that your time in this world is limited, and that’s obvious already (50, 70, 80, 100 years), if you knew you have just about a week to live---  What would you do? Would you sleep each and every day until you die? Would you look for a greater good and go around defying death to gather charity funds?  Would you walk around kissing and cherishing every attractive specimen of the opposite (or the same) sex that crosses your way?  Would you walk naked in the middle of the street?  Would you become a Ghost Buster?  Would you fight a crocodile bare-handed? Would you play Golf?Would you go to a TV channel to make a reality of your life and death in 7 days to be famous? Would you become a hired assassin?  Would you become just an assassin or a vigilante? Would you steal a supercar and go speeding above 200mph to know how it feels? Would you practice extreme sports? Would you give motivational chats? Would you go to Bora Bora?

Then, I just have one more thing to tell you.  You ask when is the right moment? Well, RIGHT NOW! You’re alive, aren’t you? Go ahead, act! You don’t need a lot of things, just a dream and the desire to making it true.  So, the right time to make things happen and starting making your dreams true is nothing more and nothing less than NOW!

Focus.  Make a plan. Work. Go for it!

The next part of this post will be plçublished as soon as I can translate it.  It is a poem written by Jorge Luis Borges.  A poem, called Instants.  If you got the patience, in a few days it will be here.  If you do not, then you can google it and you will sure find some translations in a variety of places.

Words of Wisdom:

In case you don’t know it yet, that’s what life is all about, only moments; do not miss the ‘right now’

Jorge Luis Borges (Instants)

1 more year and I’m just a newborn

Tomorrow I’ll have 1 more year walking over this planet.  Often, though not too much, I question myself about if I’m doing the right things.  Then, when I look back into my past, it seems to me that it wasn’t a time lost.  Maybe I could have make it better and do more during some days, weeks and even months---  But each decision I’ve made, each circumstance in  my life and each and every movement I’ve taken have brought me here, to this very moment.  And as I see it I’m with a positive balance regarding how I feel, since I feel most of time, fine.

I can very very proudly say that I got friends which I’ve known for almost my entire life.  Others from not so long ago but with such quality and fondness that they count for every single day I’ve been breathing.

I can also say that I got parents that look after me as if I had one tenth of my current age and a couple sisters that, besides circumstances and difficulties, love me as much as I love them both.  Cousins, uncles, aunts, grandmas and a lot of relatives that love me, respect me and remember me even if they haven’t seen me in years.

All that leads me to think that until this day I have lived my life, I have not let it go around me.  I have breathed fresh air deeply, I have know specially beautiful places.  I have lived love and disillusions, dreams and defeats.  I have fought and stopped fights.  I have been thin, not so thin and even have had overweight.  I have smiled, laughed loudly, cried, felt despair, I’ve been calm during critical moments, I have shot firearms and I have cleaned and attended minor wounds.  I have slept with only the sky as a rooftop.

I have made love feeling the sublime touch of it in every breath I took, the magic in every skin touch and the relax, the peace, the calmness and love itself flooding my entire being after finishing.  I’ve had occasional sex and I have felt its satisfaction, totally physical, I have known it’s virtues and flaws, I have felt the passion in the flesh and the emptiness moments later.

I’ve been captivated by halogen eyes and not so bright ones, deep sights, spontaneous smiles and tender hugs.  I have played whatever game that has happened to cross my path and I have played even with nieces without blood ties, but as if there were such ties.

I’ve been called, Jesus, Alejandro, a combo of those names, Guacharo, Silvarion, J, my angel, jerk and even dad (though without the actual word) and some other names and adjectives that I don’t remember right now.  But that makes me be sure of one thing: I have passed through the life of a lot of people leaving a footprint there.  In some cases better than others, but I can’t help it.  I’m just a human and as a human I can make mistakes.  All I can do is think about it and try to fix what’s wrong when I recognize it.

Yes, mine has been a life full of experiences, some good some bad, but each and every one of them with at least one lesson to learn---  The best part is that I feel I still have so many things to live that I just can feel as I’m just a newborn in this world---

In just some more hours a new cycle starts… 1 more year.

 

Words of wisdom:

I would give all I know for half of the things I ignore

Rene Descartes

P.D.:  Happy birthday Oscuridad!!!

You can give only what you’ve got

More often than not I hear statements like: “he has to make me feel safe”, “my happiness depends on him/her” or “I can’t live without he/she”.

If you just passed your sight over those lines and don’t remember having said anything like that--- Well, congratulations! I really hope you never think or say anything near those.

We constantly have to face situations where our individuality is faced, in some way, against a friend, a partner, a lover, a family or one of the big set of different social structures that, without a doubt, we need to live and reach realization.  And that’s basically ok.  What I see as a big mistake is to have or happiness, security, comfort or realization based on someone else’s actions and commitments.

The first and most important goal in our life must be our own happiness.  Yes, you can accuse me of being totally and absolutely selfish or even egocentric; nevertheless, I say this thinking above anything else in the common wellbeing.  Some of you must be think that I’m crazy, some other must be questioning my words, and I’ll try to explain it simple.  I’m talking about reaching happiness from the inside to the outside.  Some sort of endogenous happiness.

What does that mean?  Easy. If you’re centered, peaceful and in agreement with what you are, then you can offer opinions that will be centered, peaceful and in accordance to your beliefs.  If you love yourself, you can love others because you know what and how is it, you know how to love.  Jesus Christ said: Love others as you love yourself. Te implication of these words is that you must love yourself above anything else.   When you do that, you’ll be able to love others in that same way, not before.

So, speaking in terms of a relationship, we can’t hope to be with someone that makes us happy.We should want to be with someone because we desire to share our own happiness with that person.  We shall love and be loved, not depend or let others depend on us.

If we look at it from a systemic approach – as if we were a system – we feel good when each and every single part of us is in good shape.  So if every one of us is fine, the people around us will tend to be fine and that will allow the family to be fine, thus the social structure at the next level will be fine and so on.

This premise can be applied to almost anything, let’s not make it totally general. In any case, the matter here is that we have to posses something if we want to be able to give it away.  If you posses love, you can give love, if you have peace, you can give it.  Just focus your efforts to make yourself happy and automatically you will be able to give happiness to those around you.

When you’re happy, you irradiate happiness…  You’re a good vibrations torch.  If someone sees you, If someone passes near you, If someone touches you, if someone hugs you, they will realize it and, as it were and extremely contagious virus, they will start to feel better.  That’s the way happiness and everything born from it works.  When I child smiles, when a baby laughs with that genuine innocence and happiness that only they have---  Who doesn’t, at least, get a smile painted in their lips?

 

Words of wisdom:

Happiness is highly contagious, be careful not to get a vaccine against it.

Jesus Alejandro Sanchez