Addicted to drama

I have noticed consciously that human beings is addicted to pain, drama, suffering and whatever thing that makes him feel bad.  I clearly understand that those things that are harder to get usually are more important to us, but let’s not exaggerate this matter believing that those romantic novels are like life in essence and that without suffering nothing is worthy.

I have heard things like

If love does not hurt, it isn’t love at all

That’s just absurd! How that? If it doesn’t hurt then it isn’t love?  Then what you’re saying is that we have to live suffering to be happy?  Who can support that kind of idiocy!?  If the meaning of life was the suffering we wouldn’t have a single reason to smile or laugh.  But in reality, if you ask people what is what they want for their lives, most of them will answer – after some turns and detours – that they want to be happy.  Yes, HAPPY!  Even if they don’t have a clue of what happiness is.

For some reason, in terms of a love relationship, the common sense tells most of people that every couple should argue and fight from time to time – fight as in a bad temper discussion, not physical violence –, they should have some kind of incompatibility that generates rough moments ore they won’t be entirely happy and will be a dysfunctional couple.  But that’s not all, they even try to convince you that if you love someone, you will sacrifice anything for that person. And this is where I ask: Excuse me, what the f**k are you talking about? For me, that’s the hugest of mistakes.  Love will never be about sacrifices because love should be a win-for-all situation every single time.

If you widen a little your scope and look at friendship, you love your friends, but no one is ever hoping that you give up everything for a friend.  You can make exceptional deeds, you can overpass your own abilities, but you wouldn’t make a sacrifice for your friend, specially because a real friend would never ask you to do so.  When you are there to help and support your friends you’re not sacrificing time, you’re investing time or at least that’s how it should feel…  I feel it that way.  You feel an urge to go and help and you just go and do it.

Getting back at the partner-love, it seems that both parts in that relationship are used to the idea of sacrificing parts of their lives on behalf of the couple, which is – from my very particular point of view – a huge and absolute mistake.  We shouldn’t even think about inducing our partner into any sacrifice, either persons, attitudes nor habits.  The best way is to share such things with our loved one.  If we don’t like it, then let’s step aside for a while, give her some free space and let her do it alone; after all, we’re individuals, isolated entities that look for happiness together.

In our lives, suffering is generated by ourselves and not really by the way others act.  The mourning time we will pass is entirely in our hands when we face a situation that, by force will cause us some kind of pain.  To be in a relationship where we don’t feel alright transforms our lives from a conscious effort into a sacrifice.

And I’m sure I’ll hear reasons like: I started this relationship think of it as a lifetime one.  And I certainly share that vision.  Love makes you dream, makes you walk in the clouds and shows you the best and most beautiful part of the world.  But when all of it starts to be exchanged by constant situations that enforce bad temper, anything but well-being or the gears are not fitting anymore, it’s time to make a good revision, try to repair the damage or – if it’s beyond repair – let every one take their own route and finds someone special to fit and be happy.

My first choice is negotiate, of course.  Try to solve the problems.  But if it doesn’t work---  Well, is time to open wings and fly!

It makes no sense at all to be hooked in a relationship where our partner is not such thing, but a dead weight or where even we limit the other and don’t let her reach her own greatness.  You should NEVER SUFFER in the name of love.  You must LOVE in the name of love, and be happy just because it happens.

Drama was invented to show us that the world could be worst than it is, not to make the world worst.  Don’t get yourselves trapped in a dramatic novel and be the always-suffering-drama-wrapped starring character, there’s no need of such thing.  You don’t have to be hit by a car driven by the love of your life, nor be poor with a rich father that you don’t know, you don’t have to be en jail accused of something you didn’t do to find happiness.  Just aim for your happiness and follow that route along your life.  That’s more than enough to avoid becoming eternal dramatic-sufferers.

Words of Wisdom:

If that love makes you suffer,
you shouldn’t be losing your time.

Anonymous (until some yells the contrary)

¿Love or Habit?

Once more I take some meanwhiles to comment with you, my beloved readers, some of my thoughts, insights and answers to questions that don’t make sense at all for everyone.

I suppose – even when I have a strict position about making no suppositions at all – that we all have been involved in a love relationship.  As the social nature of the human being dictates, if we don’t have that special someone, it seems that we’re looking for that person to share our time – in a implicit or explicit way –.  Of course some times we just need good friends, and that’s because we are not either physically or emotionally ready for something more engaging than a friendship.

Once we’re in the middle of the storm, in the eye of the twister that is a relationship, everything seems to be ok at the beginning, everything is kind of pink and those details in the target of our love matter very little or just they don’t really matter at all.

If everything goes well, after a couple years something happens and we start to question the purity and even the truth of our love.  When the intoxicating effect of the first love crush goes away we start to fall for the routine, the fact that we can see each other during the evenings after work and even to the fact of not having enough time to do what we used to do.

Eventually, we hit the point where we ask ourselves: do I really love her or I’m just too used to be with her? Am I afraid to be alone? AM I afraid of the change that means walking out of this relationship?

I think that love doesn’t disappear, it just evolves. Nevertheless we should always pay attention to certain details.  We’re not all the same and we can’t expect that any other person express her feelings as we would because we would be asking her to become a part of us and lose all individuality.  If we got some doubts, we should ask ourselves what’s good and what’s bad about the person we’re with, make a balance and see if it is positive.  Doing such a thing every so often and keeping that balance in mind will let us know if changes have occurred for the best or the worst and can give us a satellite point of view of our relationship.

As is, love got 2 well-defined phases:

1. The falling in love: chemistry, hormones, magnetism.  That crazy need of having just a few minutes to be with our other half, making a bound, cuddle and kiss her, cherish her, satisfy her needs.  In this stage there’s nothing to comprehend, we just get dragged by sensations.
2. The spiritual bound: once the first stage is over, just when the first crisis take place, there’s a spiritual bound , a fraternal joint based on friendship stronger and deeper than the usual friendship.  This new union is also called love.  During this stage understanding, comprehension and love itself are all important to keep alive the relationship.

Once into the second phase of love we start to question it, we got routine stalking upon us, responsibilities that take our time and we finally end up accepting a series of activities that to a certain extent direct our lives. If we then think that’s the cause of what we call only habit then we must ask ourselves if we did really loved deeply at any given point.  After several years, your partner in love must be a lot more than that, (s)he must be your best friend.  If through time we work our hearts and relations around true friendship, honest and limitless, success is granted and the answer to the question that is the title of this post is more than obvious… It is LOVE.

Are there any keys to avoid boredom?

 

• Improvisation: no matter who, no matter when, do something different.  Go out or lock yourselves in.  Play with water balloons or use the garden hose. No garden? No problem! Throw water in the bathroom!
• Talk: one of the most difficult points and the one where I have failed a couple times.  Dialog is a powerful tool, it allows us to solve matters quickly reaching pacts through negotiation.  Do not wait until the last possible moment.  Do not let your partner speak alone.  And do not bring the matter back after it has been solved.
• Drop it and give it a fresh start: is very hard to keep going if we have a bag full of resentment and past problems in our back.  We must drop everything that has been talked about and solved in order to go on lighter and be able to fly hands.

This is what I have been able to get from life lessons, not always in the best of the ways, I must add.  But I sincerely hope these lines can reach you and help you all avoid some pains that I have had to go through to finally have these thoughts…  and some other.

Words of wisdom

To love is not only to feel love,
it’s above all thing to understand each other

Françoise Sagan